trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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