I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
