Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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