I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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