ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
