don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
