I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
