once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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