I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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