First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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