he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
