What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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