He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
