I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
