Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
