i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize