I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Im part way to drunk.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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