Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
