I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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