i just had sex bonerless
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
