I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
