you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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