He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
