My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
