Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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