are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize