Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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