Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
