how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
