Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
