Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
