My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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