I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
