how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
