Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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