a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
