the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
