Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize