Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
