The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
