well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
