I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
