I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
