i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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