so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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