I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
