i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
