I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Randomize
