Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I want to be your penis for a week.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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