ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
