I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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