I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
