Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
