You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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