Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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