I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
