chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
