i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
