remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
