Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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