I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
