i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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