FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
